The Return of Dr Evil
by CodenniumRed
Summary: What happens when Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are sucked through a Space-Time Vortex and end up on Expel? A new plot for world domination of course!
1. Act I

**Disclaimer: **Neither Austin Powers or Star Ocean 2 belongs to me! They are the property of their respective companies. I just thought it would be cool to combine the two fandoms into a coherent yet senseless story. The later Austin Powers movies after all are just one big party of craziness... with a plot. Anyway, on with the show!

**Prologue**

_Cut to the blackness of space, save for the Earth just out of view. We see a long, metallic shaft of a spaceship with two round thrusters that looks just like-_

**Whazzzzzam!**

_The ship somehow finds a space/time vortex and transcends both distance and time and arrives just above none other than the planet Expel, in the future, for all to see...._

**Bystander:** Huh!? What _is_ that thing!? Floating up there....

**Priest:** The Hand of God?

**Bystander:** ... No, more like the Wang of Tria!

**Priest:** Good Lord....

_That's right, folks... Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are _**back**_... and this time, Expel is their target...._

**The Return of Dr. Evil**

**ACT I**

_Cut to the kitchen in Alan's mansion, in Salva. Rena and Ashton are seated; enter Alan._

**Alan: **Dinner will be almost ready, sorry about my chef taking forever like that. He's a new hire.

**Rena: **No problem.

**Ashton: **I'm fine with that, but Gyoro and Ururun are getting restless.

**Rena: **Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine, they've endured much more over the course of our adventures after all. Remember Gyoro's time in Giveaway? Or the near-exorcism, for that matter?

_Gyoro and Ururun peck at Ashton's skull._

**Ashton: **Aak, please don't make those two peeved at me! But you're right, they should be fine now by comparison....

**Alan: **Aah! Here he comes now!

_Enter chef. He pushes a cart towards the table, atop of which resides a covered bowl of sorts. However, he lifts the cover to reveal not food, but a sword! Picking it up, he charges at Rena...._

**Ashton: **Watch out!!!!

_Rena, however, had no trouble parrying his attack with her hastily-equipped Cestus. She then grabs him into a headlock - he isn't going anywhere now._

**Alan: **Phew, that was close.

**Rena: **WHO SENT YOU!?

**Chef: **You'll never know!

**Rena: **Hey, wait a minute, I recognize you! You were one of those thugs back in Herlie who worked for Zand! And I bet... you're _still_ working for him.... _dum dum _**derr**

**Chef:** Urg... (_faints_)

**Ashton: **Looks like we need to visit the King... we've got a situation here.

**Rena: **That's not a bad idea.

**Alan: **Wait, won't you stay for at least dinner?

**Ashton: **Oh, I suppose so! As long as Rena doesn't mind an unconscious man lying face down in front of her!

**Rena:** ....

__

XXX

_Cut to some sort of Ice Cavern. Dr. Evil is seated at the 'head' of a round table. Not long afterwards, all of his main henchman enter the room and seat themselves around the main table._

**Dr. Evil: **Hello everyone, and welcome to my sub-arctic HQ. As you know, this world isn't the Earth we were raised on my our mommas, no... this is the Planet Expel.

**Frau: **How did _we_ get here, Doctor?

**Dr. Evil:** You have all been bought back by a process I like to call... "_cloning_." Everyone here besides myself and Mini-me have been... '_cloned_...' since it was just Mini-Me and I that crashed here. Come to think of it, Mini-Me, it would have been fun to clone you as well, but you're _already_ a frikkin clone for god-sakes....

**Mini-Me:** ....

**Dr. Evil: **It's frikkin _freezing_ in here, too. Can't someone turn up the _frikkin_ heat for once?

**Frau: **I'm standing by, Doctor!

**Dr. Evil: **Right....

**Number 2: **Dr. Evil, we've already gathered evidence that one of the great Kingdoms of the planet, Lacour, has developed a vast super-weapon capable of enormous potential. Such technology can't be found anywhere else on the planet.

**Dr. Evil: **Would it be a lot like a laser by any chance?

**Number 2: **Of course.

**Dr. Evil: **Cool! If we claim this "laser" for ourselves, we can hold the world ransom and thus take it over!

**Scott: **Here we go again! This is exactly what you tried last time! If only you'd just not jump into things so much....

**Number 2: **He's right. It's not that simple. Lacour's security is already super tight thanks to recent threats from unrelated sources. There's not enough of us yet, Dr. Evil. There are others that want the control that we seek, however, that could prove as invaluable allies....

**Dr. Evil: **Sounds a lot like a plan, yeah. And with no Austin Powers to thwart us, all of Expel shall be mine. Huhwa-hwa-hwa....

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

XXX

_Cut to the Cross Castle Throne room. Ashton and Rena have told King Clother of their dilemma._

**Clother:** So it seems that you were specifically targeted, Rena. But they underestimated you.

**Celine:** As Queen and a former treasure hunter, I'd like to see an infiltration done on Zand's mansion, to weed them out once and for all.

**Rena: **Celine....

**Clother: **She's right. Best to strike while the iron's still hot.

**Ashton: **So we will lead a bunch of your men in order to capture Zand's minions, like a round-  
up?

**Clother: **Precisely. It looks like we've also underestimated him because his men have done nothing wrong in some time; the time has come to correct that mistake for Cross' sake.

**Celine: **We'll leave at midnight and hit Herlie a few hours later. It'll be a stealth mission, basically.

**Rena: **Sounds like a plan.

**Celine: **Oh! One more thing that I meant to tell you darlings... a few months ago an unidentified flying object was pointed out near the Southern regions of Cross, did you guys hear anything about that?

**Ashton:** Really? We haven't. Rena and I have been in Mars and have only been as south as Salva recently.

**Clother: **We don't know if this has anything to do with Zand, or if it will in the future. Although it was reported that the object crash-landed, no debris have been found. So... just be careful. We'll be sure to send out our best soldiers to help you.

**Rena: **Thanks, Celine. Clother. I really appreciate it.

**Celine: **You saved my father after all, Rena. But even if you didn't you've still done so much for me. The fact that I'm even with Chris here, for example, was the result of your help.

**Rena: **Tee-hee... no biggie.

**Ashton: **I guess we'll go ready our supplies now and meet up with the team later, then. Gyoro and Ururun are _already_ prepared for sure.

**Clother: **I'd like you to meet the commander of our elite soldiers. Rena, Ashton... I'd like you to meet....

_Enter a tall, lightly armored man with blue hair, whose expressionless face is highlighted by his blue eyes._

**Ashton and Rena:** Dias!

**Celine:** (_smiles_)

XXX

_Cut to a night shot of the exterior of Zand's mansion. Rena, Ashton, Dias and a dozen other elite soldiers all sneak up to the structure._

**Dias: **Remember, kill nobody if possible. The King prefers there to be no bloodshed.

**Soldier: **We'll take the flank on your call, sir.

**Rena: **Everyone seems to be sleeping... the lights are all out.

**Dias: **Unusual even for Zand. Best to proceed with caution. Alright, Alpha Unit, move out!

_Seven soldiers move away from the rest of the group, out of view._

**Ashton: **What about us?

**Dias: **We shall enter through the front.

_The locked door proved to be no match for the group's might, and was felled with barely an effort._

**Dias: **Seems to be nobody here....

**Rena: **Even all the furniture's gone!

**Ashton: **He must have... relocated? But why? How could he have known?

_Enter Alpha Team, looking ready as ever._

**Dias: **Let me guess... nothing.

**Soldier: **No people, no furniture, but we did find something really foul!

**Dias: **Oh?

**Soldier:** A golden toilet seat base, the lid gone with all the other furniture... and the _messiest_ dump I ever did see. I'm telling you, it could have not been of this world....

**Rena:** (_whispering between Dias and Ashton_) It just might not have been.

**Dias: **We must investigate the matter at once.

**Rena:** (_whispers_) Hear me out on this one... I think we should bring some of the stuff back with us.

**Ashton:** (_whispers_) Gross! But why?

**Rena:** (_whispers_) Celine might be able to find out something with her Heraldry.

**Dias: **Very well then. This is getting stranger by the minute....

_What could this mean for the protagonists? Stay tuned_....


	2. Act II

**The Return of Dr. Evil**

****

**ACT II**

_Cut to Dr. Evil's sub-arctic HQ. Dr. Evil's normal cast of henchman are around, as well as a whole slew of new faces._

**Dr. Evil:** Aah, the great Zand. A Kleptomaniac of sorts, so I hear. I'm glad you and your minions have agreed to the terms set fourth by my agent, Fat Bastard.

**Fat Bastard: **Yeah, it was a pleasure doing business with ya! He even had a gold-plated toilet seat too, ya know? I'm telling ya, I had a curd that could have fouled up a septic tank! It was a wet one, to be sure. But Zand's hospitality was good enough even for this sexy boday. He even let me keep the lid!

**Dr. Evil:** Right....

**Zand:** Your purpose simply agrees with mine, and I like the idea of stealing something I could easily afford. But don't get the wrong idea; I'm expecting a generous amount of control as a result of my cooperation with you, Dr. Evil, or else the deal is off.

**Dr. Evil:** That certainly won't be a problem, as long as our two divisions work together.

**Zand: **So what's the plan to nab the Lacour Hope?

**Dr. Evil: **The plan will involve what I like to call... a "_diversion_." Using this 'diversion' both our parties will start a scene in Lacour, allowing an elite unit to steal the Lacour Hope laser! To aid in the process, we shall use unstoppable mechanized drones called "terminators" to up the seriousness of the riot, thereby allowing enough of Lacour's forces to pull away from the castle!

**Scott: **Oh my god....

**Dr. Evil: **What?

**Scott: **Oh, nothing _Arnold_.

**Dr. Evil:** Whose that? ... So anyways, due to the drones' armament of frost weapons from our sub-arctic HQ, the event will come to be known as 'The Cold War.'

**Scott: **Ass.

**Dr. Evil: **Alright, button your lip.

**Scott: **It's just a big-

**Dr. Evil:** Button it!

**Scott: **If you ever-

**Dr. Evil: **Ever try raw 'button?' With a side of ham?

**Scott: **Look. I'm just trying to say-

**Dr. Evil:** Wanna get your 'butt-_on_' and your groove down? Shake your booty!

**Scott: **Why can't you-

**Dr. Evil: **Look, it's frikkin freezing in here! Button your flap why doncha?

**Scott: **You're an-

**Dr. Evil: **A what? A butt-hole? Oh, an _ass_. Same difference, right?

**Zand: **Actually, Dr. Evil, I have a minion that would excel on working on your side of the fence; that is, actually attaining the Lacour Hope. Like me, he's a born Kleptomaniac; he is my son.

**Dr. Evil: **Oh?

**Zand: **Dr. Evil, I'd like you to meet...

_A large, metallic ice-door slides open to reveal a man with Frosty-Blue hair, a snowy-white shirt, and the _**tightest**_ brown shorts ever seen._

**Zand: **... Yul. _dum dum _**derr**

**Dr. Evil: **What? Is that hair color natural? I like the frost motif and all, but this is just ri-goddamn-diculous....

**Number 2: **You know, Dr. Evil, the inhabitants of this planet can have nearly any hair color of the known spectrum.

**Zand: **It would be my honor if Yul could head your elite infiltration team and aid in your Cold War.

**Scott: **Heh.

**Dr. Evil: **So be it, then. After tomorrow, we'll be one step closer to taking over the world! Huhwa-hwa-hwa! Huhwa-hwa-hwa!

XXX

_Cut to the Cross throne room. Rena, Ashton, Dias and Clother are all waiting around. Enter Celine._

**Rena:** Hi, Celine! Find out anything?

**Celine: **Of course, Rena darling. Using both science and my own latent powers, we were able to uncover remains of a distinct type of fish, found only on a snowy island North of the Hoffman Ruins mainland.

**Ashton: **It looks like we'll be headed for there at once, then.

**Clother: **A journey by sea from _this_ continent would be too far. You shall first embark for Lacour at once. We will meet up with the king and show him our memo, which will grant official authorization for you to also get a ship from there to the island in question.

**Rena: **Wait... _we_?

**Clother: **Well, not I... but Celine will be coming with you.

**Ashton: **Cool.

**Dias: **We will also need extra resources from King Lacour if we're to infiltrate this ice island.

**Celine: **That won't be a problem, darling. We'll also send your own unit with you, Dias. We've all saved this world before, it is our part to make sure that it remains safe and sound from all manner of evil.

**Clother: **You all shall leave this place by nightfall. Preparations are complete otherwise, so you can use the remaining time to your will.

**Rena: **Sounds excellent, sire.

**Clother: **Please, call me Chris. Good luck everyone, and God speed. Celine... I'll miss you.

**Celine: **We'll be sure to return with news of victory.

XXX

_Cut to an aqua-colored expanse of sea. A grand vessel, richly adorned, rides Eastward._

**Celine: **My, I've forgotten how beautiful the Ocean could be.

**Ashton: **Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick....

**Dias: **Please, spare us your misery. We'll soon have some serious business ahead.

**Rena: **Look everyone! I can see Lacour!

**Dias: **One step closer, we are....

XXX

_Cut to the city of Lacour. Dias, Rena, Ashton and Celine - flanked by two dozen soldiers from Cross - walk through the gates._

**Celine: **Oh my Goodness....

_The city is seen to be in complete chaos, with people running about madly. Soldiers are holding off robed figures._

**Rena:** Zand's minions!

**Ashton: **Damn they're fast.

**Dias: **Looks like Lacour can use our help.

**Rena: **I hope nobody innocent's been hurt....

**Ashton: **Gyoro! Ururun! Ready yourselves!

**Dias: **You beat me to it, Ashton. Everyone, attack!

_Fighting ensures. Dias, Ashton and the soldiers charge head-on into the fray, while Rena and Celine hang back to cast supporting spells._

**Celine: **Southern! _turns_ Wait, what is _that_!?

_She looks to her six to see a 12-foot-tall robot of sorts towering over her. Zapping lightning at it - which took no time at all to ready up - proves ineffective as the mech marches onto her._

**Celine: **Dias! A little help!

_Rushing towards the mech, Dias provokes its attention while Celine readies a more powerful spell._

**Celine: **Southern Cross!

_The latest spell proved effective enough to obliterate the robotic threat. However, more robots are abound!_

**Dias: **They're using Ice attacks!

**Celine: **Definitely from a cold region....

_Even against the robots and the bad men, the good guys had the advantage now that reinforcements from Cross had shown up. Soon, everyone was obliterated._

**Ashton: **Phew, that was close.

_BUT... a Helicopter-like machine is then seen carrying off none other than...._

**Leon: **THE LACOUR HOPE!!!! Come back, you thieves!

**Fat Bastard:** (_from atop chopper_) I doubt you'd be able to keep up with us sunny-jim!

**Yul:** (_next to Fat Bastard_) Quickly! Retreat with haste! We have what Dr. Evil wants.

**Rena: **Yul? to her comrades I know this guy....

**Yul:** (_not heard by any of the protagonists_) Drop the screen!

_A sizeable, not-so-fragile television screen with the letter 'E' on it falls from hinges below the chopper, a parachute opening up to slow down its descent to the ground below._

**Leon: **What the-

**Dias: **Looks suspicious....

**Leon: **They're getting away!!!! ... Oh, hi guys! (_smiles_)

**All:** ....

**Leon: **Anyway, we must go after them!

**Dias: **No! Apparently the fight here was a diversion, all the soldiers were out here instead of guarding the castle. They must've been spread too thin to prevent the security breach. There's no telling if they're trying to lure us away into another trap.

**Leon: **But if they figure out how to use the Lacour hope we're done for....

**Celine: **Didn't that flying thing drop something, darlings?

**Leon: **Oh, right, better take a look at it.

XXX

_Cut to the Lacour throne room._

**King Lacour: **Looks interesting... what is it?

**Leon: **This looks like a sort of remote viewing device. Maybe it was left intentionally? I doubt it was a time bomb or something, it would have already gone off.

**Dias: **We've all been duped by the enemy. We must think of a way to counter; no doubt their defenses have been augmented significantly by their mechanical allies.

**Celine: **Yes, the plan was to come to Lacour to stage an infiltration on the Winter stronghold near the Hoffman mainland.

**King Lacour: **Indeed it was a promising idea. And we shall still counter in that way; we cannot risk an all-out invasion, too many lives will be lost.

**Rena: **So the plan remains the same....

**Ashton:** I hope we get it over with soon, though.

**King Clother: **The fact is, they now have the Lacour Hope. We don't know if the enemy has figured out its usage, but we must expect the worst....

_What IS that strange device that Yul dropped? Read on to find out_....


	3. Act III

**The Return of Dr. Evil**

****

**ACT III**

_Dr. Evil's sub-arctic HQ:_

**Dr. Evil:** Hah hah hah hah! Now that we have the Lacour Hope 'laser' we can move on to the next part of our plan., You planted the remote-viewing mechanism behind for the royalty of Lacour to find, right Yul?

**Yul:** No problem there, Dr. Evil.

**Dr. Evil:** Hear that, Mini-Me. Here comes the good part, where we begin to hold the world ransom.

**Mini-Me:** (_smiles_)

**Dr. Evil:** Activate the remote-viewing mechanism!

**Frau: **Activate TeeVEEEE!!!!

_The remote viewer activated. On the screen we see a very surprised Rena, Celine, Dias, Ashton, Leon, and King Lacour._

**Dr. Evil: **Hello, pesky Expelians. I see you've gotten my remote-viewing mechanism as intended. Hope you've enjoyed your Cold War "_diversion_," too. I wouldn't want you to meet your end without knowing your nemesis. My name is Dr. Evil, and with Zand, we shall claim Expel for ourselves!

**Celine: **Take over Expel!? We've dealt with people like you before! You're despicable!

**Dr. Evil: **I'd watch your tongue if I were you, at any moment I could fire the Lacour Hope "laser" onto your little capital city.

**Rena: **Really?

**Dr. Evil: **Well, not really. Actually I'm going to set up a mining operation on the Hoffman ruins in order to acquire the 'Energy Stones' needed to power the "laser," yeah.

**Scott: **Wait, why are you telling them that? Ass.

**Dr. Evil: **It is the 5th phase of a 12 step recovery program I like to call the Arctic Ascension, or the Double A for short.

**All: **....

**Scott: **The Double A involved using a 12 step program to cure Alcohol Addicts back on Earth, it was known as Alcoholics Anonymous, asswipe.

**Dr. Evil: **... So anyway, in a short while, we will target every capitol city on the hour every hour, unless of course you pay Zand and I....

_Dramatic beat._

**Dr. Evil: **One... BILLION... Dollars!

**Zand: **Huh?

**All:** ....

**Number 2: **A-hem.

**Dr. Evil: **What?

**Number 2: **The currency on this planet is known as FOL. Nobody from this planet knows what a 'dollar' is.

**Dr. Evil: **You're telling me that I can't even hold the _frikkin_ world ransom for some frikkin _cash_?

**Number 2: **Well, we're kind of stuck here, don't you think FOL - the only currency - will take us much further anyway?

**Dr. Evil:** Well, I suppose. Yeah.

_Dramatic beat._

**Dr. Evil:** ... One... MILLION... FOL!

**All Protagonists:** Hahahahahaha!

**Dr. Evil:** Alright, what is it this time?

**Number 2:** A million FOL isn't exactly a lot to request from the most powerful kingdoms of the planet, Dr. Evil. Roughly a dozen FOL equates to a single dollar from our time. Basically, you're only asking for less than a hundred thousand dollars.

**Dr. Evil: **Alright, screw it. I want a Gagillion-Bazillion-Quintillion-Jubillion dollars!

**Number 2: **FOL.

**Dr. Evil: **Right, FOL. I've made my request. Good day.

_The remote-viewer deactivates._

**Scott:** Damn you, you've just screwed us again! You told them what our plan was before you even got to finish it! You do this every time!

**Dr. Evil: **Listen, Scott. I run the show here, okay? And I'm getting frikkin _sick_ and _tired_ of your _frikkin_ yapping. We already have the frikkin laser! And we're safe on this _frikkin_ Sub-frikkin arctic HQ! It's in the middle of frikkin _nowhere_ ya know?

**Scott: **....

**Dr. Evil: **Now, we must begin operations on the Hoffman mainland immediately. Since those who work there will have a 49-hour work week, they shall be known as the Miner 49'ers. Zand, Fat Bastard, you'll be in charge of the mining operation.

**Fat Bastard: **What's in it for me?

**Dr. Evil: **You'll both get your own quarters with all the delicacies Expel has to offer, plus a generous amount of money.

**Zand:** FOL money.

**Dr. Evil:** Right....

XXX

_Cu__t to the Lacour Castle. Rena, Celine, Ashton, Dias, Leon and the King are all discussing plans in the meeting room._

**Leon: **It was Zand that let Dr. Evil in on the secrets of the Lacour Hope!

**Rena: **I wonder what Yul was doing with them? I trusted that guy, I can't believe he was in league with Zand all along.

**Dias: **Dr. Evil said that they were setting up a mining operation on the Hoffman mainland. Presumably this would be in the Hoffman ruins, where Leon found the Energy Stone the first time around.

**Celine: **This means that we should strike the Hoffman Ruins first.

**King Lacour: **Celine is right... if we cut off the supply of Energy Stone to Dr. Evil's main base, than the Lacour Hope will have no power source. It would take less manpower anyway than to move the Lacour Hope itself back to our nation.

**Ashton: **So we'll sneak in, cut off the supply, then hop to the main hideout, right?

**King Lacour: **Precisely.

**Ashton: **Sounds like a plan.

XXX

_Sailing by ship, the group exists off of it on to a small lifeboat a few miles from the shore. The boat is special, equipped with navigation equipment to aid in the landfall._

_Cut to the Hoffman beach, where everyone is seen exiting the boat. Climbing over a ridge, through a dense tangle of trees, they finally come to the Hoffman Ruins themselves._

**Dias: **Well guys, here we are.

**Ashton: **Anything going on inside?

**Celine: **There's only one way to find out.

_Climbing up the steep stairs that lead to the ruin's entrance, the group creeps through the still-  
open doorway. Overlooking a ledge next to the main lift down, everyone can see _**hundreds**_ of workers chipping away at ores, metals, and diamonds, looking for raw Energy Stone deposits._

**Ashton: **Damn, they've set up work here pretty quickly.

**Rena: **There's too many of them, what should we do?

**Celine: **Let's creep about, see if we can see some overseers or leaders. Get rid of _them_, then see what happens.

**Dias: **Sounds like a plan.

_Suddenly, the whole place begins to shake._

**Rena: **Yikes! What's that!?

**Ashton: **A quake!?

**Dias: **No, look!

_The group turns to see a really large, really obese man pounding his way through the clearing. Finally, he stops moving - the shaking ceases. He _**was**_ the source of it after all._

**Leon: **That guy! He was on the machine that stole my weapon!

**Fat Bastard:** (_to subordinates_) Aye, keep it up. These rock walls have the same chunky texture as my _shit_! Aye, I can recall the last time I went. The stuff kinda _spurted_ out; _very_ chunky. Ruined my golden toilet seat Zand gave me, too.

**Rena:** ....

**Celine: **So _that's_ who convinced Zand to relocate! NOT my kind of guy.

**Fat Bastard:** (_continues_) Ya, a lot of _corn_ in those chunks too! And the fact that I had beans certainly doesn't help. _fffffffart_ Ugh, I gotta go, keep working!

_Exit Fat Bastard._

**Rena: **That was disgusting.

**Dias: **He seems to be the one we should go after first.

**Ashton: **Alright, then... let's go!

**Celine: **Ashton, wait-

**Ashton:** (_runs_) We must get him before he gets away!

**Rena: **Hey, wait up!

**Miner: **Hey, who are those people?

**Celine: **Great, they've spotted us!

_A few dozen miners come charging at the group with picks and axes. Between Southern Cross, Firebird Shockwave and a host of other moves, they were all but destroyed. However, _**more**_ miners were coming. And more_..._ and _**more**....

**Celine: **There's too many of them! We can't hold out!

_Enter Fat Bastard and Zand, along with a dozen Terminators._

**Fat Bastard: **Ugh, I can't describe in words how relieved I feel. It's better than sex.

**Zand: **It seems we have some imposters. Gag the spell casters. Send them all to Dr. Evil. We now have enough of the Energy Stone to commence with the next step.

**Celine: **Why you-

**Zand: **Ah ah aah. It will be a cold Hell for you. Send them away!

**Rena: **Thanks _a lot_, Ashton.

**Ashton: **....

_What will happen to our heroes? Read the next and final chapter to find out!_


	4. Act IV

**The Return of Dr. Evil**

****

**ACT IV**

_Cut to the main chamber of Dr. Evil's sub-arctic HQ:_

**Dr. Evil:** We have now moved on to step nine of out 12-step Recovery (_of Expel_) Plan - we have the Energy Stone! We have captured a resistance group as well. Yul, bring them out!

**Yul: **Yes sir!

_Enter Rena, Celine, Ashton, Dias, and Leon. All are bound in some way with restraints that prevent the use of magic as well as muscle._

**Rena: **Yul, why?

**Yul: **....

**Zand: **What's it to you????

**Dr. Evil: **Ah, hello everyone. Sit down. _everyone gets seated_ Hope you enjoy those string beans I've prepared, they might be your last.

**Scott: **Why are you feeding them? You did that the _first_ time and look what happened. Just _kill_ them already!

**Mini-Me: **(_growls_)

**Scott: **(_makes faces_)

**Dr. Evil: **You know, Scott, when you become the big man you can do things your own way. And by that time you'll see that my way is the right way.

**Scott: **That's not the point-

**Dr. Evil: **Shut it!

**Scott: **You're like a child-

**Dr. Evil: **Shut it!

**Scott: **Not aga-

**Dr. Evil: **Shush.

**Rena: **....

**Dias:** (_mumbles to Rena_) Talk about a freak show.

**Dr. Evil: **Anyway, we now have the "Energy Stone" so now, the Lacour Hope "laser" will soon be fired upon Lacour. And you all shall watch from your frozen jail cell.

**Celine: **You scum!

**Frau: **Nah ah ah. He's _my_ scum. Right, doctor?

**Dr. Evil: **Right. Anyways, send them to the jail cell!

**Frau: **Send them to **JAIIIIL**!!!!

**Dr. Evil: **Ugh!

_Yul escorts the group away._

XXX

_The group finds themselves inside a cold, dark ice cave of sorts. The bright light of the cold sky shines through a window, through which can be seen the Lacour Hope._

**Rena: **Yul! Why are you doing this!?

**Yul: **Just following the orders of my father, Rena, who in turn works with Dr. Evil now.

**Rena: **Zand!? Zand is your _father_?

**Yul: **I never mentioned it to you, I know. I was a brat those days, defying him whenever I can. But now I understand things clearly. I now see- _continues rambling_

**Rena:** (_whispers_) Guys, we have to get out of here past Yul, we don't have time to waste!

**Dias:** (_whispers_) Rena, everyone... on the count of three break through the bars! They look to be relatively weak.

**Ashton:** (_whispers_) Nothing to lose. Okay!

**Dias:** (_whispers_) One... two... _shouts_ THREE!!!!

**Yul: **Huh? (_the bars break_) **ARGH!!!!**

_The group collides into Yul, pushing him off a ledge into an icy-cold river below!_

**Rena: **Good-bye, Yul....

**Ashton: **My, that was "cold" of you....

**All: **....

**Ashton: **You certainly gave him a "frosty" reception....

**All: **....

**Ashton:** That act was pretty "numb...."

**Rena:** ... That's enough.

**Ashton:** Yeah.

**Dias: **Let's go! To Dr. Evil!

_Exit group._

XXX

_Cut to Dr. Evil's main chamber._

**Dr. Evil: **Two minutes and counting until we shall fire the "laser!" Frau.

**Frau: **Laser **ARMED!!!!**

**All:** ....

_A counter for two minutes can be seen, whose number rapidly decreases...._

**Number 2: **Dr. Evil, what are your plans regarding our hostages?

**Dr. Evil: **After they watch the laser fire and their continent disappear, they shall starve to death over the course of a few weeks!

**Scott: **It's not worth the risk! Just kill them _now_!

**Dr. Evil: **How 'bout "_no_," Scott, okay?

**Scott: **....

_Without warning, the protagonists suddenly emerge into Dr. Evil's main chamber!_

**Dr. Evil: **Oh, they've escaped, I see. You guys are too late, you've already lost the Cold War.

**Scott:** ....

**Celine: **The battle isn't over yet! SOUTHERN CROSS!!!!

**Dr. Evil: **Alright, TERMINATORS, ATTACK!!!!

_Part of Celine's spell singes Dr. Evil's head for a bit._

**Dr. Evil: **Whoa, hello! Hotter than frikkin Hell! Zand, frikkin _do something_!

**Zand: **With pleasure!

_Swords, frost, electricity, flares and fire all clash in a spectacular light show._

**Number 2: **The chamber can't support this level of shock!

**Frau: **Ten seconds and counting!

**Dias: **We have to disable it! (_parry's Zand's swing_)

**Rena: **There's not enough time! (_dodges a Terminator_) Unless....

_Rena takes off her shoe over all the terminators and guards ; it hits the Lacour Hope!_

-STARTUP ABORTED-

**Ashton: **Whoa, good shot Rena!

**Dr. Evil: **You may have won the battle, fools, but this world shall someday fall into my hands. (_presses the 'self-destruct button_) Come, Mini-Me!

**Mini-Me: **Eek!

**Dias: **I took care of Zand, get Dr. Evil!

**Rena: **He's getting away!

**Ashton: **No time! Let's get outta here!

**Dr. Evil and Mini-Me: **Huhwa-hwa-hwa....

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

**Huhwa-hwa-hwa....**

_Dr. Evil and Mini-Me escape through a door. Cut to the outside of the Sub-Arctic HQ; the repaired spaceship that Dr. Evil came to this planet on can be seen, the one that looks just like-_

_Cut to a Cathedral exterior, during a wedding._

**Priest: **A long, life-giving implement, compete with-

_Cut to a marketplace somewhere._

**Vender: **Two balls! Two more balls in stock! Huh? What's that? Looks just like a-

_Cut to the Lacour Castle exterior. Two guards are on post._

**Guard: **Willy. What's that, up there? It's like my-

_Cut to the Lacour Castle interior._

**King Lacour: **Twig and berries. Where are the royal vines I've requested for good luck on our friends' mission?

**Collector: **So sorry, sir. I was distracted by the sight of a flying object, that looked like it had-

_Cut to the interior of Dr. Evil's ship._

**Dr. Evil: **Nuts! We've been thwarted again! But we shall stick together, right Mini-Me?

**Mini-Me:** (_smiles_)

_As they start their maniacal laughter, their ships is again sucked into a Space/Time vortex... it is once again orbiting Earth! Now, the duo shall move on to World Domination... in _**Goldmember!**

**Epilogue**

**Ashton: **It's been three months since that incident with Zand and Dr. Evil; things have seemed to quiet down a bit.

**Alan: **Glad you know so, I still remember how last time one of Zand's own was working under me!

**Rena: **Yeah, I remember that all too well. Ashton had me finish my meal with an unconscious man lying next to me.

**Celine:** Really? Ashton?

**Ashton: **....

**Dias: **Well, in any case, it's all over....

_-knock knock knock-_

**Leon:** Whose there?

_CRASH!!!! It's Fat Bastard!_

**Dias: **... What do you want?

**Fat Bastard: **There's a meal going on here, right?

**All: **....

**END**


End file.
